Great Expectations

Okay, lame, but pertinent, post title. I had written off the possibility of becoming pregnant this cycle since I was obviously experiencing symptoms of an impending visit from AF. So it struck me as odd that I would be feeling nauseous not one, but two mornings in a row. I was sure it would be too early to feel queasy, but I have always been closely in tune with my body and I realized something was slightly...I wouldn't say off, just different. So, yesterday I bought two HPTs, the cheap dipstick kind.

When my husband got home, I eagerly showed off my newly acquired audio editing skills demonstrated in an intro/outro piece I had worked on for a project. After showing me that he was sufficiently impressed with my creativity and resourcefulness, he spied the tests on the coffee table and asked,"What are those?" I said,"Oh, yeah, I haven't been feeling like myself the last few days, so I thought it would take my mind off of the possibility if we could just test." So, we tested. And it was positive. At first I wasn't sure (uncertainty compounded by my husband repeating,"There's nothing there, it's negative."), but by the time five minutes had elapsed, a faint, pink line was clearly visible on the stick next to the control line. Huh? Really?

I was certain we would have to try for at least a few cycles. I've read so many accounts about the difficulties that can arise in terms of conception. I had such a hard time believing it that I insisted on using the second test to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Positive again. But, again, faint. So we decided to go out and get a few more (different brands this time) to use in the morning, the best time to test. Both of the brands I tested with today were positive as well. I reserved the third test for later this week or next when I start doubting again.

I called the clinic where we had had a preconception visit in October and they said they had an opening after lunch if I wanted to come in to have a blood test. (Actually, it wasn't that easy since the receptionist's English wasn't great--this became clear only after she retrieved my file in order to give me my blood test results from a month and a half ago. "Noooo, I need to have a NEW blood test done...you know, a pregnancy test...did you understand any of what I just said or should I start over? Ok, here we go..." My Chinese isn't good enough to discuss clinical procedures, or else I would have tried that, but such is life here.)

To make a long story short, we went to the clinic this afternoon where I had my blood taken for a quantitative analysis in order to confirm the pregnancy. Oh, and they decided to give an ultrasound to see if they could visibly confirm it, which I thought was a bit premature given the fact that I was today only 13 dpo. I suppose I could have refused, but I'm fascinated by those machines. It was totally unnecessary and of course they didn't find anything, but it didn't hurt anything either.

We get the results tomorrow. Right now I'm in this kind of limbo where I'm still not really believing it and that we may have concieved, but there's always a chance that I will miscarry. When will it feel real? Maybe when I'm full-on puking into the toilet?

For the time being we are cautiously ecstatic and feel lucky as hell. The realist in us is preventing us from getting too excited just yet--but it's building. Are we going to have a baby?